Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
