i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
