Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
