Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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