Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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