When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
