I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We are two peas in an std pod
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
