Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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