my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
