My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
