I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
