See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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