apparently the secret to your success is patron
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Found your dick twin last night
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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