I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
