3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
