forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
