I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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