If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
