Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
