dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
