Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
