dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
