i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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