I just saw a hot homeless man
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
