I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
