I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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