Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
