remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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