Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
