He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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