I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize