my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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