The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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