youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
