I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
