sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
