OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
