who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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