break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
