I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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