I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I believe in your delicious
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
