i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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