Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
