All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
