I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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