i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
