dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
