My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
