Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
