we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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