see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
