It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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